The first three cartoons were recently submitted by Michael Farnsley - a regular contributor:

This Photo was Submitted by Phil Surrey for the Humor Page.
Coke - The Official Drink of the Confederate Army

A Low-Fact History of the Civil War*
By Roy H. Wells
A Historian of Little Note nor Long Remembrance

Preface

The following missive is intended in jest only. No one should take this seriously. If you have no sense of humor, do not read further.

Part I: Beginnings

�The causes of the American Civil War can be traced back to...� so begins many a long and boring dissertation on the infamous period of history when the United States of America fought�get this�itself. Trust me, if you want, you can find a historian who can link the Civil War to just about anything: The Declaration of Independence, the invention of the Cotton Gin, the Nixon-Kennedy Debates and Bush�s Willie Horton campaign ads.

When you get down to it, the main cause of the Civil War was that the North and South just didn�t get along. And why should they? The South was a genteel aristocracy, filled with Southern charm and civilization, where there was chivalry and honor among gentlemen, as long as you didn�t include the poor farmers and slaves that by far outnumbered the aristocracy (who, in fact, didn�t count them).

In the North, life was starting to be �fast track� already. The North was industrializing, and needed a constantly growing labor force to keep prices down for fear of cheap Japanese imports. The North needed the raw materials from the South, particularly cotton, so they could manufacture textiles and Q-tip swabs.

Hanging over all of this was the issue of slavery. The South had slaves, and the North didn�t. The North had discovered it was much cheaper to have low-paid immigrant workers � without green cards � than to have slaves. After all, they didn�t have to feed or clothe them and, when there too many, they just laid them off.

Still, the South clung to slavery the way a politician clings to a campaign contribution. At issue were other things � primarily rodents. All over the South you found men willing to die for their �State�s Rats.� Or something like that. Each man was ready to die for Virginia, Carolina, Georgia, Helen. And some of them were willing to die for their states, too.

The North and South couldn�t get along on anything. Even today, the North calls it the �Civil War� and the South calls it the �War Between the States,� so the North calls it �The War of Southern Rebellion� and the South counters by calling it the �War of Northern Aggression,� so the North sticks out its tongue and calls it the �War to Restore the Union� and the South makes a funny face and calls it the �War of Southern Independence� until finally they end up in a fistfight.

So it was no surprise when Abraham (�Talk softly and wear a tall, silly hat�) Lincoln was elected President that many of the Southerners decided they would quit the Union and form another country. Some wanted to form France, others wanted the Roman Empire. But after they learned all the really good countries had been taken already, they settled on: The Commonwealth of Independent States.

Whoops! Sorry! WRONG NAME. I meant the Confederate States of America, or as it was more commonly called, the Dixie Cup. This proud new nation was comprised of states that agreed that the Union was too centralized, was abusing states rights, and nothing else.

The Confederate Constitution looked very much like the US Constitution. They bought the same paper (Old Yellow Parchment #23) and used a similar print font (Unreadable 17pt). The only difference was that the Confederate Constitution contained many improvements unavailable when the US Constitution was written. For example, they had a six year term on the President, a bonus whitener agent, all-terrain drive, and...

You get the picture. Of course, the formation of the CSA did not happen instantaneously. No way. First, the South Carolinians, because of Lincoln�s election, decided to �secede� from the Union. This made the Northern States call it a bunch of scabs, which further irritated the Carolinians since the Northerners already said they were from a sissy state where everyone was called a Carol.

Of course, it was true that Lincoln hadn�t really done anything yet, since he hadn�t even been sworn in as President. However, the South Carolinians decided to act first so they didn�t have to take the chance that he might do something they would really dislike � such as creating a compromise.

It wasn�t long after that before other states followed the example of South Carolina. Alabama, Georgia, Florida, and Disneyland. When Virginia (the �Old Dalmatian State�) finally joined, the Southerners felt certain they were on the right path, especially since they had selected Richmond as their Capital.

As President, the Confederacy elected Jefferson Davis. Davis was a slender man, who had graduated from West Point, served as Secretary of War, as a Senator from Mississippi, and was said to cut quite a dash in crinoline.

No! Wait! That comes later!

Davis had originally opposed the secessionist movement, and had stayed in Washington until the last minute, saying good-bye to all his colleagues in the Senate, clearing up some bounced checks, and hoping to get arrested so the cause of secession could be tried in the Courts. Of course, he didn�t try to do this later on, after the firing on Ft. Sumter, just in case he was wrong.

For Vice-President, the Southerners selected an archconservative advocate of States Rights. A man who was outspoken on the issue of the sovereignty of the South: Dan Quayle.

Oops! Sorry, it wasn�t Dan Quayle, but Andrew Stevens, a man who, in his entire term as Vice President, only occasionally visited the Confederate Capital at Richmond.

The Confederate Government was set up in a hotel in Richmond, making it easily accessible to the people who needed to see the many politicians. These included those who were to supply the government with weapons, the various foreign diplomats and, of course, the �ladies� that still are a part of the modern political scene.

In the North, there were many people who felt that they should let the South go ahead and leave the Union. �After all,� these people (called �Copperheads� � largely because they couldn�t be called something even worse in public) said, �who needs the South? We won�t be building pickup trucks for at least a hundred years!�

Still, Lincoln maintained that the Southern states had no right to leave the Union. �A deal is a deal,� he said, �No state, of its own accord, may legally leave the Union. Besides, you haven�t paid us back for Louisiana or most of the other states we bought from France.�

The First Shots are Fired

Little doubt can be cast on the fact that the first shots that brought the Civil War into reality were fired in Charleston Harbor.

The Federal forces had gathered into a fortification in the harbor called Fort Sumter. Here, US Army Major Anderson and his forces were prepared to defend the interests of their country against the mounting number of Confederates under the command of General P.D.Q. Beauregard (starting a Confederate tradition of �Generals with initials instead of names) who were placing shore batteries to attack the fort. Maj. Anderson made it clear he would stay in the fort, at least until his supplies ran out. Which, given the state of his supplies, and the fact that the porta-pottys needed to be serviced, was one or two days at most.

Armed with this information, the South Carolinians decided to attack. After all, if there was going to be a war, they didn�t want any other State to get the credit for starting it.

So, a Confederate officer, Stephen D. Lee, gave an order to cannoneer Edmund Ruffin to fire on the Fort. The barrage lasted for hours, and in the entire time there were no casualties inflicted, so each of the two sides began accusing the other of not taking enough hits. However, Maj. Anderson finally noticed the porta-potty situation, and surrendered. So the Confederates, with the sort of assured nature seen only since then in Saddam Hussain, announced they were on their way to victory.

Of course, the first �battle� of the Civil War, was yet to come. After the firing on Ft. Sumter, the people of the North were enraged that the South had fired on their flag, and the Southerners began to realize they would need to fight for their new country. So both sides began to raise and equip armies. President Lincoln called for volunteers for 90 days, and President Davis asked that all men come to the call of their rebellion. And the volunteers did come forward, ready to fight for freedom, for justice, and most of all for the $13 a month the government was supposed to pay them.

So it was on the grounds of a farm owned by Wilmer McLean that the North (�Let�s name all the battles after rivers�) and the South (�No! Let�s name the battles after nearby towns�) met in the infamous battle of Manassas Bull Junction Run.

The Union army was under the Command of Gen. Irwin McDowell, who started the Union off on the track of Generals with silly first names. On the opposing side was Confederate General Beauregard, the hero of Ft. Sumter, the man who would lead the Southern cause for at least one more battle.

This first battle was a considered a spectator sport, as many people brought picnic lunches to watch the Union vs. Confederacy. Wagons brought visitors to the battlefield, vendors sold programs (�Can�t tell North from South without a program!�), and the two sides soon began their clash.

Early on, it looked like the Union would easily win. After scoring an easy field goal in the first quarter, the Union forces were tiring the Confederates. Then, General Thomas J. Jackson arrived during halftime. Another General, noticing that Jackson refused to move, shouted, �Well, there�s Jackson. Talking to him is like talking to a stone wall.� The resultant move rallied his troops, driving the Union forces, who had already promised the game ball to �Abe� back to Washington.

Discussion Questions

1. The Northern soldiers were for the Union. Were the Confederates scab labor? Why wasn�t the NLRB brought in on this?
2. Lincoln won the electoral vote without winning the popular vote. Who won the sympathy vote? Who was named Miss Congeniality?
3. Some Northerners thought it was a good idea to let the South go its own way. Some Southerners thought secession was illegal. Does this clear everything up for you?

A Brief History of the Civil War*
By Roy H. Wells
A Historian of Little Note nor Long Remembrance

(In Part I of this series, the newly formed Confederate States of America engaged the Union Army in Virginia, and after two field goals by the Union, followed by a drive down the center by replacement halfback Thomas �Stone Deaf� Jackson, the Union was forced to punt and the Confederates got a touchdown, winning the first �Bull Run Bowl.�)

Part II: New Leaders Arise

Lincoln took the defeat at Manassas Run/Bull Junction badly, and did what most owners do when their teams lose the �big one.� He replaced the coach.

The new leader for the Union forces was General George Brinton McClellan. McClellan was a top graduate of West Point who had managed only to have a silly middle name, thus making him an ideal choice by Lincoln.

McClellan began at once. He trained the men to march. He trained the men to drill. He trained the men to shoot. He toilet trained them, which took even longer. Soon, the Union had the best trained army in Washington, DC. Unfortunately, the Confederate Army was in Virginia, and in order to actually fight, the Union would have to go on the road.

To prepare for the time when the Union would actually meet the Confederate Army, McClellan hired the Pinkerton Detectives to learn more about the Confederates. Soon, the Pinkerton men were following Confederates to their motel rooms, looking through their trash, checking every aspect about them, except of course, actually counting how many of them there were, or where they we located.

McClellan�s plan was to transport his army to the Virginia coast, march along the Peninsula, and attack Richmond. This was a brilliant strategy that would have worked perfectly except for (a) the Confederate Army, and (b) General McClellan.

This was a major problem with General McClellan. He had a large, trained, army, but he spent so much time building it that he felt it would be a shame to get it all dirty in an actual fight. So he asked President Lincoln for more men, and then more. Finally, Lincoln got so upset he threatened to invoke the �trade� option in Gen. McClellan�s contract, and the attack was planned.

McClellan Has a Movement

What followed was known as the �Peninsular Campaign� or the �let�s see how slowly we can advance� campaign. McClellan moved the Union�s Army of the Pot-O-Matic along a line designed to move them within striking distance of Richmond. On the way, he encountered Confederate General Johnston, and in a battle that was to change the face of the War, Johnston, having been injured, was placed on waivers and Jefferson Davis sent in Robert E. Lee.

Lee was a famous Army officer, once offered command of the Union Army by President Lincoln. However, Lee declined the offer, since it meant he would have to relocate out of Virginia, and housing costs in Washington, though not as high as today, were already too much on a soldier�s salary.

Davis offered Lee command and allowed him to rename the forces to the �Army of Nothing But Virginia,� which would have been unfortunate if the Army was fighting elsewhere, but gave the Confederate soldiers a spirit of identity.

At first, Lee was not well thought of by the men in his command. They thought he was too old, too grey, and his last name didn�t start with a �J.� So Lee began calling himself �R.E. Lee� to fit the older tradition of �Generals with initials instead of names.� The Confederate soldiers, who prized going backward into traditions, thought this an outstanding response and began to rally behind their new leader.

Lee managed to stop McClellan�s advance and push him into a retreat. Quite a stunt for anyone, except when McClellan was in command. Lee knew McClellan would only retreat if: a) McClellan lost a battle; b) McClellan won a battle, or; c) McClellan thought he might lose a battle.

Under these conditions, getting McClellan to retreat was not a particularly difficult trick, but Lee managed it anyway. By the time their encounter was over, Lee had forced McClellan to withdraw from the Peninsula, and return to their pre-season training camp in Washington. Later historians would note that, had McClellan won a few more battles, he might have retreated from the continent entirely.

Manassas Junction II: More Bull Runs

Lincoln knew something had to be done. He needed to find for his men a new leader. A leader with spirit, a leader with drive, a leader with a name they could spell.

His choice was General John Pope. Pope really looked like a great general. He sat his horse magnificently, had a big beard, and a face that scowled at all times. Of course, looks were about all Pope had going for him as a general.

Pope�s first decision was to make a sequel to the Battle of Bull Run, hoping to do better in the box office. After all, the army at his command was much larger than the one Lee had and they had already gotten all the agency approvals to have a battle in the area back in 1861. So, the Union forces again converged on the farms around Manassas Junction, and in very little time, Pope had managed to pull off what no one had thought possible: Another staggering defeat.

Yes, John Pope had forgotten to have the ending of the battle changed to a Union victory.

Again the Union was in trouble. Lincoln had to find a way to turn around the current situation. His problem was in Europe, where England and France were considering recognizing the Confederacy*. That was likely to bring these two major powers into the war. England had a mighty navy that could break the Union blockade of Southern ports, and France had a large supply of officers with sillier names than any in the Union, all the better to stop the Union army.

McClellan II: The Union Strikes Back

The solution, of course, that many in Washington came up with was to recall McClellan. Lincoln recalled that McClellan was a brash, mouthy little man who had utter contempt for him. But others believed that McClellan could stop the Confederacy and give him the sort of victory they needed so badly in the polls, so Lincoln reactivated him and sent him off to pay with the army again.

After McClellan assumed command he was given a piece of paper one of his soldiers found on the battlefield, wrapped around some cigars being carried by a Confederate soldier. The Union soldier was far more interested in the cigars, but decided the plans for the next Confederate attack that had been wrapped around them might be something the general could use. Of course, this was McClellan. He wouldn�t have used them if Lee had delivered the plans himself!

So we come to the famous battle of Antietam. Somehow, through lack of planning, McClellan managed a technical �win� at Antietam, forcing Lee and the Army of Nothing but Virginia out of Maryland. Of course, now they had the Confederates weakened and demoralized, so McClellan, in a strategic move, decided to give Lee an opportunity to rebuild and resupply.

Lincoln had a different idea. His idea, thought up by his son, �Tadpole,� was to pursue Lee�s army and fight it before it recovered. McClellan, of course, said he couldn�t do this, because his biorhythms were off that day, and besides, Aquarius was close to an intersection with Capricorn. Instead, he decided to wait until his own army had gotten over their victory.

Still, Lincoln needed to capitalize on the heels of the victory, so he issued the great Emancipation Proclamation. In this document, he promised to free all the slaves that weren�t actually in the Union, but were living in the areas where he couldn�t actually enforce the decree. To make his position even stronger, he said that if any state that was fighting against the Union and stopped, they would not have to free their slaves.

This of course was well-received in the Confederacy, and a flood of exactly no states rushed to rejoin the Union and bring an end to the war.

In Europe, Britain and France, who had been looking over maps of America to see if they recognized the South, decided they really couldn�t tell what it looked like, and took a clever strategy of �wait and see what happens.�

Fredericksburg

President Lincoln had become so frustrated with McClellan�s lack of initiative, his insolence, and his table manners that he decided to go back to his original strategy of �using generals with funny first names.� The most obvious choice was Ambrose Burnside.

Burnside was not very inspiring as a General, but his name has become immortalized, since his facial hair gave birth to a fashion trend and acquired his name: Ambroses.

Burnside decided to take the Army due south from Washington, cross the Rappahannock River at Fredericksburg, then press on to Richmond. Fredericksburg was considered important to the Confederacy, since Lee had moved a great portion of his army there, and Burnside didn�t want to be the only Union general not to see how many of his men he could send across an open field directly into enemy fire.

Before Burnside could reach Fredericksburg, the Confederates burned down the bridge crossing the Rappahannock. Burnside cleverly decided to build a pontoon bridge in view of the Confederate sharpshooters, rather than cross one or two miles from town, and possibly make the mistake of not getting his soldiers shot at while building the bridge.

Once the bridge was in place, Union troops crossed over, and began to provide a renovation for the city, by eliminating whole sections of it. When the time came to attack Lee�s army, the famous �Irish Brigade� was quick to volunteer to cross a wide open field in full sight of every Confederate with a gun. Many historians today refer to this as one of the boldest, most gallant, possibly the stupidest tactics ever taken during the war.

Following his defeat at Fredericksburg, Burnside decided to move the Army west of the city, cross the river, and then attack. His soldiers, noting that it had been raining just enough to melt the snow and turn every road for about 10,000 miles into mud, thought this plan was just about as good as Burnside�s first one. So, after calling in every tow truck in Northern Virginia to get his Army out of the mess he�d gotten them in, Burnside returned to his encampment on the northern banks of the Rappahannock to wait for his pink slip.

�Fighting Joe� and the Hookers

Lincoln knew he had to take a new tact if he was to win. He had tried a West Point honor student as his general, and he�d tried funny-looking generals. Now it was time for a new approach. Lincoln decided to try using a general who bragged a lot.

His choice was Gen. �Fighting Joe� Hooker. Hooker was a wonderful choice, ask any Confederate. For the Union, however, he probably produced better results than, say, Robbie the Wonder Dog, but not by much.

Hooker decided to attack Lee near Fredericksburg, so the National Parks Service wouldn�t have to spend so much time setting up a lot of separate battlefield parks after the war. His attack was probably most damaged when he was standing too close to where shell went off and the explosion left him dazed. While most of the officers didn�t notice any real difference, this did seem to affect his ability to do certain things, like tell his army to stop crossing open fields with no protection from enemy guns.

After the Battle of Chancellorsville, the Confederates, who decided that if this war was going to at least be close in the final score, they were going to have to do something to give the Union a chance. So a few of them managed to �accidentally� shoot General Thomas �Stonehenge� Jackson as he rode around at night, without bothering to tell any of the guards that he was on their side.

As for Joe Hooker, his job security was not much stronger than a Yankee manager working for George Steinbrenner. Yes, Lincoln was already looking for another General to lead the Army of the Potomac to Victory. Or at least to lead it somewhere other than to the Fredericksburg area.

In the �West� (meaning west of Washington, but still in the East) there was one set of Union Generals that were winning. The best known of these was General Ulysses S. Grant, who was called �Sam,� so the generals wouldn�t laugh too hard every time his name was mentioned. Grant had a reputation as a hard-drinking, hard-fighting general who got things done. He smoked heavily, drank whiskey, and was generally not the sort of person you�d want in charge of anything. However, he had one virtue as a general in that he actually won battles.

Grant, by mid-1863 was attempting to take the last Confederate crossing of the Mississippi River at Vicksburg. For weeks he had his guns firing on the town. True to form, not a single Confederate was even falling over, except possibly from laughter. However, the Confederate Commander at Vicksburg wasn�t certain how much longer his men could hold out.

Jefferson Davis called in General R.E. Lee, and said something had to be done about Vicksburg. Lee had the perfect plan: In order to make everyone forget about Vicksburg, attack the Union in Pennsylvania. Draw the attention of all the photographers, reporters, minicam operators and politicians away from the war along the Mississippi to a battle closer to Washington. Davis, being a politician, knew this was a great idea.

Discussion Questions

1. Two armies are headed toward each other, one marching from Richmond toward Washington at 25 miles per hour, and one marching from Washington toward Richmond at 15 miles per hour. Why would anyone care about this?
2. If Johnston had become a free agent, do you think Lincoln could have picked him up for a general to be named later?
3. Why were so many battles of the Civil War fought in National Parks? Was it because the government already owned the land?

A Brief History of the Civil War*
By Roy H. Wells
A Historian of Little Note nor Long Remembrance

(In Part II of this series, things went very badly for the Union. First of all, they lost nearly all the battles. Secondly, they had bad generals. Finally, they didn�t even have a source of funny accents except for Massachusetts and the Bronx. Lee, seeing that he was winning using a defensive strategy, decided to go on the offensive.)

Part III: Gettysburg

With the decision by Lee and Davis that Vicksburg, Mississippi needed help, Lee set out for Pennsylvania. Granted, Pennsylvania doesn�t look like it is all that close to Tennessee, but Lee knew he could get some really good buys there during the summer tourist season, especially near the Eisenhower farm and in Amish country. Besides, if you�ve ever been to Mississippi, you would know why Lee preferred to go to Pennsylvania.

So the Army of Nothing but Virginia headed north. Out of Virginia into Maryland, out of Maryland into Pennsylvania, and toward its rendezvous with what many believed would be Destiny.

Of course, Lincoln hadn�t appointed General Buckmeister Destiny to head the army, he had selected someone else. Lincoln had carefully weighed the options, and learned that, with only a few exceptions, he was quickly running out of Generals with funny first names. In a cabinet meeting, Lincoln commented on the �sort of General we need.� Due to a clerical error, this was written as �sort out General Meade.�

So it was that General George Meade was put in command of the Army. Lincoln, who figured almost any general would do by now, went along with the appointment and watched as the Army of the Potomac moved out in pursuit of the Confederates.

One of the great tragedies that befell Lee in the coming battle was his inability to find his Cavalry. He knew where he thought he put it only the night before, only to learn that General J.E.B. Stuart had taken it out to play with it on his own for awhile. Without his cavalry, the eyes of the army, Lee stumbled forward into Pennsylvania, famous for its lush farmland and the famous Gettysburg Battlefield Park.

Lee and Meade figured it out like this: Since the government already had a battlefield park there, and no battles had ever been fought on it, they could make a bundle on the postwar souvenir business by actually conducting a battle there.

Of course, the Battle of Gettysburg required much preparation. Men were assembled from all over the area. Troops were massed. Liability insurance was purchased. Film and book rights were sold. Federal Battle Permits were filed with the Department of Meaningless Forms.

Many historians have noted that the Battle of Gettysburg began when the Confederates heard that there were shoes in town and went in to find them. While the Confederate Army was waging an effective war on footwear, the Union Army was also on the way to Gettysburg, because they had heard there were socks there. Given enough time, it is possible that every army in the world would have shown up at Gettysburg looking for articles of apparel.

The first of the Union Army regiments to encounter the Confederates was Buford�s[1] Cavalry. They were taught to fight dismounted (something we all know never happened) using carbines in skirmish formation. From this humble beginning sprang a battle that was to become one of the bloodiest ever to involve American soldiers.

Perhaps the best known event at the Battle of Gettysburg was the infamous charge led by Confederate Gen. George Pickett. Lee, realizing the situation was desperate, needed to do something to break the Union lines. He had tried attacks on the right & left flanks to no avail, so he was determined to send a charge into the center.

The natural choice was Gen. Pickett. Pickett had graduated from West Point second from the bottom of his class. He therefore possessed what Lee needed badly: He had tenacity, he had courage, and above all, he was not bright enough to realize he was being sent in to what was probably second only to the charge by the Irish Brigade at Fredericksburg as the dumbest attack of the Civil War.

Everyone seemed to realize that the coming attack was a monumentally bad idea. Longstreet knew it. The field officers knew it. Most of the local wildlife and rocks knew it. But not George Pickett. Even today, this one attack is still looked on by students of history as a perfect example of Southern courage, honor, tenacity, and stupidity.

By the end of three days of fighting, Lee knew his attempt to attack in the North was over. He would retreat to Virginia, and carry on from there. He also knew he could retreat, because of the Union Army tradition of waiting several days to allow the enemy to get away instead of pursuing. Lee figured that he had at least until Labor Day to get back to Virginia.

As a result of the Union Victory at Gettysburg, General George Meade offered his resignation to President Lincoln. Lincoln declined Meade�s resignation, on the grounds that he really didn�t have anyone better than Meade. General Lee also offered his resignation to Jefferson Davis, but Davis declined it on the grounds that Lincoln didn�t really have anyone better than Meade either.

Vicksburg

Long before the first souvenir stand had ever opened at Gettysburg, the Union had encircled the city of Vicksburg, Mississippi, the last crossing point of the Mississippi river and the point at which the Eastern and Western Confederacy was held together, and laid siege to the city.

The Confederate Commander the defenses of the city was Gen. Pemberton, a Pennsylvanian who had been given to the south as a third round draft pick early in the war. Opposing him was General U.S. Grant.

For months, the Confederates burrowed deep into the hills on which Vicksburg was built. They dodged the shells fired into the town by Union guns. They ate their horses, mules, squirrels and rats. Finally, On July 4th, 1863, Pemberton sent word that he would surrender. After months of depravation, when they thought it could get no worse, now the valiant citizens of Vicksburg were forced to eat hot dogs.

While the war was over for Pemberton, Grant had been set up for something bigger: He would soon have his picture on the fifty dollar bill.

Grant Takes Command

In searching for a better leader for his military machine, Lincoln now took a look to the West. Out in the West, there was General U.S. �Sam� Grant, who had been responsible for a string of impressive victories, and a surge in the sale of whiskey.

Grant had recently taken Vicksburg, on July 4, 1863, only one day after the Battle of Gettysburg. The Union had wanted Vicksburg for a long time, because it was considered to have the best barbecued ribs in the area, and it was the last place that tied the eastern and western parts of the Confederacy together. Then Grant was a bone fide hero, and so President Lincoln called him to Washington, to receive the rank of Lt. General and command of the entire Union Army.

Grant, for his part was a spectacular general mainly because he had failed at everything else. Really, if Grant had applied for a job with you, you�d look at his resume and laugh! Here was a man who had failed as a farmer, failed at blacksmithing, failed as a harness maker, failed as a merchant, and hadn�t even been able to work at a McDonalds* . Grant had failed at nearly everything except failing. The only really remarkable thing is that Grant hadn�t tried running a Savings and Loan.

So, it was really lucky for Grant that the Civil War came about when it did. If it hadn�t, he might�ve ended up as one of the homeless. That�s the great thing about war, it really gets the employment level up.

When Grant was summoned to Washington to receive his promotion, he arrived at the Willard Hotel wearing a casual uniform, followed by his son, who carried his baggage. When the clerk at the counter finally recognized him (by looking at a $50 bill), he was amazed. Here was the new General of the Army, the first man to be promoted to the rank of Lieutenant General since George Washington, and he used his son to carry his luggage just to avoid tipping a bellhop!

Grant in many ways changed the way in which the war was being fought. Instead of Battles lasting a few hours or days, Grant involved the Army of the Potomac into a long series of battles designed to see how many men could sit in one place for a prolonged time taking pot shots at each other. Many people felt as though Grant was trying to see just how many soldiers he could get killed.

Oddly enough, Grant decided to re-use some of the old battlefields. While this cut the cost of the war (there was no need for new spectator stands or press facilities) a lot of very intelligent people did notice that he was re-using battlefields on which the Union had traditionally lost. Namely the Chancellorsville battlefield (which Grant decided to call the Wilderness, in hopes that no one would notice it was just a recycled battlefield) and the Gaines Mill battlefield from McClellan�s Peninsular Campaign, which Grant called Cold Harbor, because so many soldiers ended up cold dead there.

About the same time, Grant appointed William T. (�Bronco Billy�) Sherman to head the Army of the West. Sherman took a new course, determined to drive his Army through Georgia and into Uzbekistan, or maybe North and South Carolina.

To accomplish this, Sherman embarked on his famous �March to the Beach.� Thousands of Union Soldiers began to march toward Atlanta on this march, despite the fact that there is no known beach near Atlanta. As they marched, Sherman�s Army �lived off the land,� by �foraging.� This meant that when the Army came to a farm, they lived off the food the farm had to offer. If the farmer didn�t offer any food, the soldiers just helped themselves. Some helped themselves to food, others to furniture, jewelry, money or anything else the farm had to offer.

After that, Sherman�s men held a big bonfire. This bonfire turned out to consist of a sixty mile wide path from Atlanta to Savannah. Today this is known as �theft and wholesale destruction,� but Sherman called this �total war.�

Sherman�s march was something akin to visiting Bosnia, with Shaman�s boys in the role of the Bosnian Serbs, only without the involvement of the UN.

Not surprisingly, Sherman�s army gained a following. Largely this following was of slaves who, having been told they were free, decided the only people likely to buy this story were the men in blue uniforms that told it to them. Sherman�s reaction was to cross a river with his army, then blow up the bridge before the ex-slaves could cross it.

You have to hand it to him: Sherman was direct.

At about this time, Abraham Lincoln was making a bid to be reelected. America had never before held an election in the middle of a war. Of course, it had never held an election with eleven states refusing to participate before, either. Lincoln had to have a victory, or at least a new PR agent.

To help out, Grant managed to break the stalemate at Petersburg, and move forward at last. This was just what President Lincoln needed, and the President was swept back into office for a second term. Grant, now assured that he still had a job, was able to return to the war.

Sherman meanwhile, was marching through Georgia. By the time Sherman reached Atlanta, Vivian Leigh had already departed, and little was left. What was left was used by Sherman to build a fire. That was when his men discovered the worst thing: Marshmallows had not yet been invented.

Further north, Lee�s Army was running critically short of nearly everything. Food, clothing, shoes, toilet paper. The entire Army of Northern Virginia was beginning to look like modern-day Moscow. Still, they fought on, bravely retreating as Grant continued to press the matter.

After a campaign to attempt to capture the Confederate Capitol at Richmond, where Grant�s forces had been stalemated at a place called Cold Harbor (which was only spitting distance from where McClellan had fought at Gaines Mill), Grant and Lee, in a new strategy that would later become famous, invented Trench Warfare. By 1916, trench warfare would become the rage of World War I, but neither Lee nor Grant took the time to patent it, and so they lost all the royalties.

Petersburg

Deciding that it was not going to be easy to capture Richmond, Grant moved to the south, placing his sights on Petersburg. Petersburg represented many things to Grant: A chance to cut the supply lines that gave Richmond the ability to withstand his attack, a change of scenery, and a chance to use a battlefield no one else had tried yet.

So Grant laid siege to Petersburg. After many failed frontal assaults, Grant finally determined that it was not going to be possible to directly attack the Confederate entrenchments and win. That was the nice thing about Grant, it only took several attempts, and 20-30,000 dead soldiers to convince him of the very obvious.

During this campaign against Petersburg, �Abe� Lincoln was engaged in his own campaign to be re-elected as President of the currently not very United States. Most people were under the impression that Lincoln was going to lose�big. This was the impression of members of the Republican Party, most of the Generals of the Army, and the Democrats as well. Something had to be done.

Fortunately for Lincoln, he got help. First, General Sherman managed to gain success in Georgia. This allowed the public to see a glimmer of victory in the war. But even better than that was the help that Lincoln got from the Democrats, who decided to nominate a man who didn�t know the meaning of the word victory: George Brinton McClellan.

Yes, General McClellan was nominated by the Democratic Party as the man to replace Lincoln, thus starting a Democratic tradition of nominating candidates that have about the same chance of winning the White House as Koko the Clown.

McClellan campaigned on a platform of ending the war. Not a bad idea, but the concern of most voters was that he would end the war the same way he fought it, by losing. So, against all odds, Lincoln was resoundingly re-elected to a second term and George McClellan went to live in a state of disgrace, New York.

After two months of the stalemate at Petersburg, a group of Union soldiers, who had previously been coal miners in Pennsylvania, came up with a daring plan. They would dig a tunnel, and fill it with powder, and make a big explosion, and in the confusion, the Union would attack the Confederate lines. This plan was adopted, but with the provision that the miners would dig the tunnel under the Confederate lines.

So, using crackerboxes to remove the dirt, the minors dug a long tunnel, then filled it with four tons of powder, and on July 30, 1864, they lit the fuse. The fuse burned, and...nothing happened. The fuse had burned out, so they lit it again, and made the biggest blast any of them had ever seen while sober.

The confusion was horrendous as soldiers rushed into the gaping crater formed by the blast. Unfortunately, these were Union soldiers, who discovered once they were in the crater, they couldn�t get out.

So, things went back to the way they were. The soldiers would sit and shoot at each other, and once in a while one side would attack the other, but generally it was a boring affair. Finally, Grant decided that the war needed to end. It was not doing well at the box office, and his review was coming due. Grant, after all, needed the work. So, he sent Phil Sheridan and the Cavalry out to capture the remaining railroad line leading to Petersburg. Lee countered, but his troops, who were by this time being forced to ride large dogs as they had eaten their horses, were late in arriving, and the Union attempt to capture Petersburg had a new victory.

With the fall of Petersburg imminent, Lee sent a candygram to Jefferson Davis, telling him it was time to evacuate Richmond. Davis sent Lee a dozen roses, and a message that he would see to the evacuation. Then, slipping into his prettiest dress, Davis proceeded to collect up the available gold, silver, and other valuables, and have it sent to his numbered bank account in Switzerland.

By 1865, the War was pretty much decided. Nearly everyone could see this. The Generals of each side, the people, domesticated animals, even some in Congress. But the South continued to fight, for their way of life, for their values, and because they knew it was the only chance they had to keep the junk bonds they had invested in afloat.

Lee soon saw that it was hopeless to continue the war. His men were deserting, he was low on ammunition, he had little food, and he only had one more clean uniform to look good in for the surrender paintings.

The End Nears

Finally, in April of 1865, at a place called Appomattox Court House, in a little farmhouse owned by a farmer named Wilmer McLean (who as moved there due to the rapidly falling real estate prices at Manassas Junction), Grant and Lee met to discuss surrender. Grant was at first reluctant, until Lee assured him that it was Lee who was willing to surrender, in spite of the misprint in TV Guide.

Lee and Grant sat down and talked, played several parlor games, and were just about to head out, when Lee remembered that they were supposed to discuss surrender. Grant wrote out the terms in his own hand:

� All arms to be surrendered, except officer�s sidearms; � South to be left impoverished;
� Southerners to speak with a funny accents, and drive primarily pickup trucks;
� Sherman to be sent to South Texas, which already looked like it was devastated;
� All dogs in the South to be given comical names;
� North to get the film rights to �Gone with the Wind� and most of the other books;
� If there is a full count on the batter, and the catcher drops the ball, he may attempt to steal first base.

As Lee rode out, the men began to cheer. Grant silenced them, and told them that the defeated Southerners were once again �our countrymen.� So the soldiers only stuck out their tongues at him.

In Washington, news reached the White House and a band asked President Lincoln what they should play. Lincoln replied they should play �Dixie,� since it was once again Federal property.

In actuality, the war was still not over. Jefferson Davis still hoped to reach Mexico and continue to fight the war from there, despite the fact that Mexico didn�t even have any slaves, and probably would have made a lousy Southern state. His plans were foiled, however, when he was captured by Union soldiers after he turned one of them down for a dance.

Today, the scars of the Civil War can still be seen, but the country is still whole and free. The bitter South rarely lynches Northerners any more, and the only state that is still steadfastly Confederate is West Virginia, because they didn�t get a chance to be that way the first time around.

We owe a great deal to the men and women who lived through this terrible conflict, the only war to be fought by Americans against Americans. We owe a great deal to the soldiers, sailors, and civilians. We owe perhaps the most to the politicians, without whom all of this, would not have been necessary.

Discussion Questions

1. In �Gone With the Wind� does Rhett ever actually say �Frankly Scarlett, I don�t give a damn�? Why or why not?
2. The Civil War lasted from 1861-1865. Explain and give examples.
3. Nearly all historians agree that there was almost no way that Lee could win the war after the defeats at Gettysburg and Vicksburg. Where were these people when he needed them?
4. General Grant was said to love whiskey and tobacco, yet he never made any advertisements for them on television. Was this because he had a bad agent?

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*Copyright � 1992-98 by Roy H. Wells. All rights reserved. * Copyright � 1992-98 by Roy H. Wells. All rights reserved. * For most of the previous two years England kept mistaking the Confederacy for Mexico, while France swore up and down it looked exactly like Canada. * Copyright � 1992-98 by Roy H. Wells. All rights reserved. [1]Sadly, Buford was still operating on the assumption that Lincoln was looking for Generals with silly names. * This was only because they hadn�t been invented yet.